How to talk about helicopter nobs live on the BBC
After the earth-shattering and inspirational news that Ben Morgan is quitting Stand-Up comedy (7 Reasons why I am quitting Stand-Up Comedy) and more importantly the traffic that he is getting to his website, I too have decided to quit stand-up comedy, but I am doing one better with 8 reasons.
1) I'VE A MASSIVE DESIRE TO BE FAMOUS
I have a massive desire to be famous, I didn't get into this game to do five minute open spots in a pub with no PA system, no audience, and one guy riddled with Asperger's syndrome so bad that he alternates between looking above your forehead and staring so intently in your eyes he can see your soul. I got into the game to tell rubbish jokes about plugs, then come off stage to be greeted by plug-loving supermodels who demand I do cocaine of their lithe naked bodies. So far this has not happened, and for that reason I'm out. Vexing.
2) IT’S NOT A HOBBY
I haven't set up my own 'comedian' page on Facebook for nothing, no I have set it up so no geek in the future will cyber squat on my name. Comedy for me is not a hobby, that's why if i could, I would write 'comedian' in my passport (but alas there is no spot for occupation on a UK passport), anyway the point is it's not a hobby. I love hobbies, if comedy were a hobby I would not quit, but it's not a hobby. So I quit. Vexing.
3) KNOW YOUR PLACE
I can get laughs, I am fabulously talented and brilliant at my particular brand of comedy (the merits of electrical plugs), yes my brand of comedy will earn me an inordinate amount of money, and not just at my own nights throughout London, and even if my jokes don't work I am more than prepared to water down my gags to entertain paying punters at Jongleurs, because sometimes I have to respect the fact that some audiences don't like jokes about the sub-par output of 120 volts. Or baby rape. Yes there's a massive circuit for genuinely funny comedians who are willing to work hard but anyway I'm quitting. Don't even try to stop me. Vexing.
4) TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN COMEDY YOU HAVE TO BE FUNNY
Other than a lack of funds another thing that gets in the way - being funny. Sometimes I wish I could be funny, thus blocking out all the casual sex and fabulous people skills that I have, but I have other hobbies (Hornby toy railways) and *drumroll please* no mates. They are all jealous of my fabulous success. Imagine that everyone hating you cos you're amazing. Not vexing.
5) I’D BE AN AMAZING PROMOTER
I’ve chosen to run an improvised rant comedy gig 'Hate N' Live' (where comedians hate on topics suggested by the audience) - It’s SO EASY getting punters in. I literally spend no time flyering/plugging the gig online/paying Facebook to plug the gig online, our average attendance is around 200 people per gig, because I am so good at promoting in addition to comedy I feel my talent is being wasted. So I am quitting, don't even try and tell me not to, it's too late. Vexing.
6) NOT ENOUGH COMEDIANS, AND TOO FEW GOOD COMPETITIONS
That bloke who complained about the NATYS knew what he was talking about. I honestly feel that the amount of shit acts outweighs the good ones, and therein lies another solutio - There’s not enough competition, and because there are too many gigs to go around comedians have to enter amazing competitions. Many comps will give you the desire to live, unless you’re bad, which I am. Rubbish rivals will look like a comedic Jason Lee, and you end up like a world great Argentine superstar midfielder/drug fiend Diego Maradona.
7) I GOT BORED WRITING THIS
I'm now bored writing this and really just want the page views and hits on my site. Anyway I have quit, there is no turning back, that's it, I'm out the game just a regular Joe, a civilian, I've hung up the mic, never to tell a joke again. Never will I hear the gales of laughter, the whoops and cheers, as I get paid to tell strangers things. I'm out, don't try and stop me, it's too late.
For news about my comeback/retirement tour please check out my giglist here.
So over Christmas I got bored and decided to set up a fake account as a girl, and see how much of a nob I could be to guys, and how much they would take. Turns out guys are willing to take a lot of abuse. It soon escalated to a point where I was chatting with guys and my friends were excitedly telling me to get these random tinder guys to send me dick pics, at this point I realised I was soliciting dick pics from unknown men on the Internet and probably wasn't using Tinder as it was intended. Anyway here are some funny tinders I had. Enjoy! I have blurred some stuff out, just in case!
Tez -"Sorry you're a little bit ugly for me."
Taj - "Sorry I accidentally swiped the wrong way"
I decided I'd just answer with one words and see how long I could have a conversation for, I got bored in the end. Give it up Simon!
Andrew - Likes black men.
Christian ruins it by being uncouth.
Hanan - Well that escalated quickly...
Cameron - I demand he removes a photo from his profile before we go any further...also I hate BT broadband.
Jay - You look about 47
Tamas - He is not up for a one night stand, I will not compromise his values.
John - "Sorry I thought you were the other one".
Antonio - he had another girl in his picture, I was jealous, then he got obsessed. Genuinely feel sorry for girls who meet him.
Welcome to my new website, this took longer than it should have to set up. I'll be posting my musings as and when I can be bothered on here, my blog! These might be old articles, or probably just rebuttals to Cosmo articles. Anyway stay tuned!